Cerita Ceriti Kehidupan

Today is my 3rd day period after the fail ICSI atempt. Syukur Alhamdulillah, no significant pain at all. Syukur sangat2. Hopefully the disease is gone for good! Amin. Ya Allah, sembuhkanlah penyakitku ini sesembuh-sembuhnya dengan tiada berbaki lagi. Sembuhkanlah Ya Allah, kerana engkau Maha Penyembuh.

With that I am schedule to undergo DNC procedure on Friday the 19th Feb 2010.

Ok, now back to the treatment procedure :

On 9th Dec 2009, my husband call the MAC to acquire about the result, out of 7 , only 2 embrios yang jadi! I was to come to the clinic on the 10th Dec 2009 for the ET procedure. Only 2? I was hoping that it would have resulted in more embrios so that I could have kept them in the freezer for next ET if needed be..

Sepatutnya I were to reached the clinic by 9.00am. Hubby did not come back to my house on the 9th Dec, he should, but he didn’t! So I have to wait for him at home. Tunggu, punya tunggu 8.30 pun belum nampak batang hidung. At 9.00am, the nurse called. I said that I was on the way, she said that Prof  was ready and waiting for me. And that Prof could not wait for long as he had another OT to perform…I was about to cry when the call ended, mana dia ni?

Hubby tiba at about 9.30am, memang airmata dah berlinang dah. Then he told me, motobike broke down he was at the workshop tunggu workshop bukak! We then proceed to MAC, sampai about 10.15am, Prof dah tukar baju and all the OT nurses tengah berkumpul kat registration waiting for me! Luckilly Prof agreed to proceed. Cepat jer I was lead to change and then straight to OT. Masa tu nak terkecing ya amat!! But I was not allowed to! I was supposed to be in that state..full bladder!

When I was ready on the OT table, then Hubby was called in to see the embrios. Then another sad news, only 1 embrio can be transfered as the other one had gone bad! Only 1? Masa tu I was frustrated and knew that the chances were very slim. Then after Hubby keluar, the procedure started…When the radiologist was doing the scanning to find the right place in the uterus to plant the embrio, he found some fluid in the uterine cavity! Another bad news! Prof pun tak dpt nak agak cecair apa sebenarnya. The fluid actually made the space for the embrio to plant very limited. Hence the chances for implantation were getting smaller…

Masa Prof dah masukkan alat kat bawah tu (vaginally), he coud not see  it thru the monitor! Opps had to change to bigger apparatus! The thing was pulled out and, the new one went in. Ooouch! terasa sakit yang ni, Prof siap cakap ni, kene corner baring ni! After that the transfer was done very efficiently. It was a good transfer they said. Then barulah Prof masukkan salur for me to pee… Lega rasanya bila dapat keluarkan tu…I was made to lie down then Prof came back and said ‘ Kita doa sikit yer..Prof baca doa dan after sapu muka he came and hold my tummy and said InsyaAllah. And he said that he was worried about the fluid as it might intefere with the implantation.Tapi kita doa jerlah.. kata dia. Then I was left to lie down for about 45 minutes.

Dalam semua step-step ICSI ni, this is the step yang I rasa paling mencabar dan paling I tak suka! Can it be done with me in unconcious state?  So taklah malu sangat!!! When checking out, I was prescribed luteal support medications. Makan and also to take vaginally!!! 3 times a day.

Next the waiting period…..

6th Dec 2009 – the procedure was scheduled at 9.00am but I have to reached the clinic by 8.00am. After registration, we have requested to retrieve hubby’s specimen first before the OT as hubby needed me there in the ‘Berkat’ room! The specimen retreival was not going well actually, tapi dapatlah! Hubby seolah-olah tak puas hati, kesal… Tapi nak buat macamana, itu jer yang dapat! Berdoa jerlah. Actually I was quite angry jugak, mula-mula tu..Susah sangat ker? Rasa juga frust! Then bila pikir balik, memang betul bukan mudah utk ejaculate dalam keadaan terpaksa!!

After that, straight to day ward to change to OT attire. With the OT attire, jalan jer ke bilik OT sebab dekat ngan day ward tu. In this procedure, I was put to sleep hence tak tahulah apa yang berlaku. Tahu-tahu jer the nurse kejut dah siap, so I was just dipapah to the day ward. Sambung tidur!

Sedar after about 1 hour, felt so thirsty! Hubby pun tak tahu kat mana. Then the nurse came, ‘kalau dah ok boleh kuar kak. If not tidurler lagi..’. I said that I dah nak kuar, sebab dahaga. So siap-siap, then I called my husband. Rupanya dia kat cafeteria! Kuar dari ward, rasa pening semacam.. Last-last termuntah! The nurse said that, akak bangun cepat sangat tu.. tak perlah dah terjadi pun!!!

Then Hubby told me that Prof had informed him they managed to retrieved 8 eggs from the right ovary, but nothing from the left. Only 4 are the right sizes. By looking at the report, they actually done the ICSI procedure to 7 of the eggs.

Seterusnya adalah persenyawaan and wait and see how may embrios yang jadi….

I was prescribed 225ml Gonal F a day thru injection. An easy to use device like a pen which is preloaded with medication. One pen of 450ml cost RM600. 1st time, I injected myself with the nurse supervision. Very easylah.. so in turnlah, today perut belah kanan, esoknya belah kiri pulak. Kebetulan balik kg for raya haji, so I travelled with the cold box with medication in it. Terpaksa sewa cold box tu dari MAC since we did not bring one.

This raya pun Hubby tak balik, alasan? Malas nak kisah, simple jer just ambil pendekatan if he thinks what he did is right then ok, go on..If not just remember Allah maha mengetahui and doa ku, semuga Allah membalas dengan balasan yang setimpal..Amin..

On 8th day 1st Dec, back from kampung straight away went to MAC clinic for scanning. Result? The sonographer found 2 ovarian cyst on both ovaries measuring about 2 to 3 cm. Imagine if I were to wait till January, mesti dah makin besar cyst tu….About 8 eggs on right ovary and 2 on left. I were to continue with the same amount of medication to be consumed thru injection and come back on 3rd Dec, day 10th for next scanning. 1 more medication to inject, to prevent the eggs from pecah.

On second scanning, the sonographer kind of having problem to exactly see and measure the eggs. Dah risau dah, kenapa lah pulak, so I doa byk2. She then tried to scan dari atas (form perutlah..), tapi still could not see clearly so back to vaginally. At last she managed to get the sizes. Same number of eggs. Considering that I have endometriosis, the quantity is about rightlah.

With the result, I were scheduled to have the egg retireval procedure on Monday the 6th Dec.

So many things have happened and yet I could not begin to write anything for almost 3 months! Reason? No reason, just plain lazy!!! Macamana nak mula pun tak tahu ni..Ok lets go step by steplah…

Hubby wanted to wait till January to start the fertility treatment, however I voiced out my concern that I have started to feel the pain again. Makin lama tunggu takut makin banyak penyakit tu dah tumbuh balik. After a lot of convincing then he agreed to start the treatment on my 5th period after Danazol injection.

On 25th November 2nd day period we went to MAC clinic at HUKM to start the ICSI cycle. Feeling? Excited ada, takut ada but  I have to do it. So lets do it, I said to myself…The costs? hemm, manageable lah…

Next step is Ovarian Stimulation….

I don’t know why, but this week everything seem to happen not to my advantage! Dah lama tak rasa tension, uneasy & angry! Should I be patient and accepting to all, should I do something to make him understand? should I run away from all this. Tambah pula this week the pain has started creeping up down my spine, my back and my thigh. Ya Allah, did i do something terribly wrong?

Selepas solat Subuh tadi, with so much anger in myself I prayed,  ’ Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku terasa teraniaya, Kau balaslah dengan balasan yang setimpal dgn org yag menganiayaku, Kau tunjukkanlah kebenarannya, beri petunjuk dan hidayah kepada mereka Ya Allah, ampunkan daku Ya Allah’.

Then I continued to sit on the sejadah, tears streaming down my cheek thinking and finding way out of this empty marriage. Yes, my marriage! Berdosa ker bila itu yang datang dalam fikiran? Frankly speaking, I feel that this marriage is empty, tiada pengisian. 

Hubby dear! I am hoping and longing for a marriage where we do things together. Things other then eat and sleeping together. I did ask you to teach me or listen to my Quran reading, just once a week, I did ask you to give me tazkirah after our jemaah, I did ask you to bring me to any majlis ilmu or to masjid for prayer and kuliah, I did ask you lets exercise together, shopping for groceries together, bukan selalu, sekali sekala pun tak per…. Were those permintaan so hard for you?

I am still waiting for you to change for the better, I am not saying that I am a good wife, in all aspect,  but it seem to me that you took me for granted. You did and arranged things to your convenience and expect me to understand and accepting all your decisions…

I am so tired, bosan rasanya. Ya Allah bantulah hambamu…. 

I was in the office when it happened, mula-mula ingatkan pening since I was the only one terasa, bangun looked around, colleague yang ada semua macam tak der apa2, dok bercakap. So I sat down again, rasa lagi, bangun balik. Dia orang macam tak der aper2 ajer…I sat down again dan teruskan kerja, pening kot! Then bunyi bising, one of the colleague said, Turun, turun gempa..lar patutlah!!!

This is not the first time that I felt the earthquake! I think it was 3 or 4 years back, I was sleeping at home when I felt the bed swaying! Seram rasa mula-mulanya, dalam fikiran ada gangguan ‘hantu’! Ku baca jer apa yang teringat, tapi makin galak katil bergoyang. Then I heard bising2 kat luar, terus bangun then I saw things aroud me were swaying….Masa tu ingat satu jer, dah nak mati ker ni? Inikah masanya? Beginikan penyudahnya kehidupan ku di dunia? … Airmata bercucuran, I was alone at that time..Bangun, sarung jubah dan pakai tudung, ikut turun melalui tangga with my handphone.

Bila sampai bawah, ramai dah penduduk berkumpul, ada yg with baju tidur, ada yg without selipar..me? berpakaian lengkap! Anyway after that experience, dalam 2, 3 hari jugaklah airmata tergenang bila bercerita pengalaman tu…

Things happened for reasons right? Sometimes Allah has warned us, kita tak realized pun until those things happened. I received this email yang mengaitkan those earthquakes with Al Quran verses…Here it goes…:

Gempa di Padang jam 17.16, gempa susulan 17.58, esoknya gempa di Jambi jam 8.52. Coba lihat Al-Qur?an!? demikian bunyi pesan singkat yang beredar. Siapa pun yang membuka Al-Qur?an dengan tuntunan pesan singkat tersebut akan merasa kecil di hadapan Allah Swt. Demikian ayatayat Allah Swt tersebut:

17.16 (QS. Al Israa? ayat 16):

Dan jika Kami hendak membinasakan suatu negeri, maka Kami perintahkan kepada orang-orang yang hidup mewah di negeri itu (supaya mentaati Allah) tetapi mereka melakukan kedurhakaan dalam negeri itu, maka sudah sepantasnya berlaku terhadapnya perkataan (ketentuan Kami), kemudian Kami hancurkan negeri itu sehancur-hancurnya. ?

17.58 (QS. Al Israa? ayat 58):

Tak ada suatu negeri pun (yang durhaka penduduknya) , melainkan Kami membinasakannya sebelum hari kiamat atau Kami azab (penduduknya) dengan azab yang sangat keras. Yang demikian itu telah tertulis di dalam kitab (Lauh Mahfuz).?

8.52 (QS. Al Anfaal: 52):

(Keadaan mereka) serupa dengan keadaan Fir?aun dan pengikut-pengikutny a serta orang-orang sebelumnya. Mereka mengingkari ayat-ayat Allah, maka Allah menyiksa mereka disebabkan disebabkan dosa-dosanya. Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Kuat lagi Amat Keras siksaan-Nya. ?
 
sumber; eramuslim
 
Perlakuan buruk manusia mengundang bala/ bencana terjadi

 Adakah bala dan ujian Allah datang tanpa dijemput? Pernahkah kita mengangkat kedua-dua tapak tangan ke langit untuk memohon bala dan ujian Allah SWT? Mestilah kita katakan tidak pernah. Hakikatnya, kita menjemput bala Allah tanpa disedari. Kita menyeru bala Allah dengan membanyakkan zina, menyebarkan budaya minum arak, memperkayakan kehidupan dengan mata pencarian haram, meninggalkan arahan Allah, melakukan segala larangan Allah, budaya keseronokan (hiburan) dan pembuangan bayi menyebabkan turunnya bala dan ujian Allah, sedangkan kita tidak menyedarinya.

Sebenarnya kita hanya diberi bala dan ujian yang kecil Allah jika dibandingkan bala Allah kepada Kaum Ad, Thamud, kaum Nuh, kaum Hud dan umat terdahulu sehingga mereka tidak meninggalkan generasi sehingga hari ini.

Firman Allah yang bermaksud, “Dan apa jua yang menimpa kamu dari sesuatu kesusahan (atau bala bencana) maka ia adalah disebabkan oleh apa yang kamu lakukan (perbuatan salah dan berdosa) dan (dalam pada itu) Allah memaafkan sebahagian daripada dosa kamu.” (As-Syura: 30)

Sabda Rasulullah SAW: “Tidak menghalang sesuatu kaum itu daripada mengeluarkan harta melainkan mereka menghalang langit daripada menurunkan hujan, kalaulah tidak kerana binatang (di muka bumi) nescaya langit pasti tidak menurunkan hujan selama-lamanya. “

Maksud hadis, daripada Ali bin Abi Thalib r.a., Rasullulah s.a.w. bersabda: “Apabila umatku membuat 15 perkara, maka bala pasti akan turun kepada mereka, iaitu:
·  Apabila harta negara hanya beredar kepada orang tertentu.
·  Apabila amanah dijadikan suatu sumber keuntungan. 
·  Zakat dijadikan hutang.
·  Suami turut kehendak isteri.
·  Anak derhaka kepada ibunya.
·  Anak lebih baik terhadap kawan.
·  Anak suka menjauhkan diri daripada ayah.
·  Suara ditinggikan di dalam masjid.
·  Ketua kaum adalah yang terhina di antara mereka.
·  Seseorang dimuliakan kerana ditakuti kejahatannya.
·  Arak diminum di merata tempat.
·  Kain sutera banyak dipakai oleh lelaki.
·  Artis jadi pujaan.
·  Muzik banyak dimainkan.

I got this article from a friend. Heemmm, made me looked back of how many times that I did fall asleep without actually prepared to sleep. Tertiduuur… Fortunately those were not the last nites!!!One more thing, we need to be gratefull for a nice peaceful sleep as we don’t know when the ‘nikmat’ of sleeping will be taken away!!

Ok, next is the article I was babling about….

Do you know what happens when you sleep??

Allah says in the Quran:

It is Allah that takes the souls (of men) at death; and those that die not (He takes) during their sleep: those on whom He has passed the decree of death, He keeps back (from returning to life), but the rest He sends (to their bodies) for a term appointed. Verily in his are signs for those who reflect.
Quran, Chapter 39 verse 42

This means:

Every time you sleep, Allah takes your souls, amongst many other souls he takes during sleeping. Then Allah decides who is going to be given another chance. For those who are blessed with another chance, Allah will permit their souls to go back to their bodies, the rest he keeps back from returning to life i.e.they die.

This means:

Each time you go to bed you should never be sure you will get up again, you ONLY have 50% chance for coming back to life.

This means:

Each time you go to bed you should be prepared for your hereafter.

This means:

When you wake up the next day you should appreciate how lucky (blessed) you are. And say ‘Blessed be the One(Allah) who returned my soul to my body, and granted me another chance’. This is what the prophet PBUH used to say after waking up. This means: when you wake up the next day you should make sure you utilize the new day as much as you can before sleep time comes; the new day you are living could be the last chance you are given!

This means:

You should try to make sure you recite sura AL-MULK (chapter 67) before sleeping, because the prophet PBUH promised that one
who reads this sura before sleeping is saved from the punishment of the grave. May Allah forgive us all and bless us with a happy life in this dunya and the hereafter.

Aameen.

Imagine, pulang dari kerja at about 9.30pm disambut dengan air kencing kucing didepan rumah! Ya Allah sabar jerlah. This is not the first time!

1st time, air kencing kucing dalam one plastic box yang I placed in front of my door dalam grill, not outside the grill, to letak all slippers or kasut yang selalu dipakai.Lain-lain dalam shoe kabinetlah. Balik rumah terbau kencing kucing, hidu punya hidu realised that box tu basah.Sah, kena kencing kucing. Ok tak per, I basuh balik semuanya…

2nd time, I just bought clark wedges for about 1 month, tapi jaranglah pakai.Masih baru lah, one day in hurry to the office just pakai jer kasut tu. In the meeting, I realised that my skin colour socks ada colour hitam pulak, pegang rupa-rupanya basah. Then terhidu bau tu lagi! sah kena lagi. Punyalah tension!!Just imagine, I need to wet the shoes or soak it to actually remove the smell..Penat pancut air kuat-kuat kat kasut tu.Susah betul nak hilangkan bau tu..

3rd time was last nite, I did place lapik kaki kat depan grill my front door. Sampai depan rumah masa nak bukak kunci grill dah bau punya kuat.Tengok2 lapik kaki tu basah dengan air kencing kucing.Mind you before this, satu lapik kaki dah terpaksa buang sebab dah basuh pun tak hilang bau. Sabar jelah… Again I have to clean the shoe box, the lapik kaki and kaki lima depan my front door tu. Malam-malam buta dok basuh kaki lima. One of my sandal kena buang last nite, sebab lepas basuh pun tak boleh hilang bau!

Apparently, one of the neighbours ada bela kucing, bukan my front door ajer, tapi ada beberapa jiran lain kena najis kucing!! My apartment is at the end from the lift. So dlm perjalanan to my apartment, disambut dengan bau najis kucing.Tempat berak kucing dia letak kat kaki lima!! Kalau ikutkan apartment mana boleh bela kucing? Tapi kalau nak bela jugak, jgn lepas kucing tu kat luar, kencing dan berak merata!!!

Memang menguji kesabaran betul. Islam mengajar kita supaya menghormati dan jangan menyusahkan jiran. Kenapa kita, orang Melayu Islam tidak mengambil berat hal-hal yang sesungguhnya amat dititik berat oleh Islam.

Hemm, enough of my rambling!! Memang geram..

Selamat hari raya to all muslims…

Happy Moments

1) Semua adik beradik manage to berkumpul rumah mak on 4th raya. Sister R balik on 3rd raya after spending raya with her inlaws in Ulu Tembeling, sister A balik 1st day raya selepas beraya kat Temerloh her in laws hometown as she is staying in Triang. Me, sister M and brother memang beraya rumah mak. So dah 2 tahun raya semua dapat jumpa.

2) 1st day Raya ramainya datang berziarah termasuk kunjungan dari my long silence sister J from Trengganu, surprise visit. Walaupun penat, berbaloi!

3) Alhamdulillah rezeki raya, dapat duit org bayar hutang (RM1000)!

4) Tahun ni tiada rajuk dari bonda!! Semua ok!!

Sad Moments

1) Family feud!!! dah berkumpul ramai macam2 ragam. 3rd day raya crisis sister A and sister M, sampai ada adengan hempas kerusi! 4th and 5th raya sister A pulak buat hal, semua orang tak ditegur..even Mak dia tak tegur.Tak tahu mana silap.Too sensitive.Sister M balik KL on 5th day raya, ingat dah lega habis satu kes, rupanya sambung kes lain with sister A pulak. All these crisis, Mak yang kesian. Sedih dia. Me being the eldest daughter, penat nak tenteramkan keadaan.Last-last buat do know je lah.

2) On 3rd raya, received news that sepupu mak kena stroke and died on the way to hospital. We called her Mak Besaq!! Al fatihah untuk keluaga mak besaq di Langgar, Kedah.

3) When I was calling everybody to convey the sad message, auntie Y mentioned that rumah dia kena masuk pencuri, her handbag, her husband’s wallet all gone! We were at her house on 2nd day raya till evening..May be pencuri tu tahu org dalam rumah tu penat buat open house kot, berani masuk when the tenants ada.

4) Hubby supposed to come back on Friday, 6th day of raya. Tup-tup tak jadi, tiket burnt lah. Tension? Malas nak tension, suka hatilah.I proceed to celebrate raya with the rest of the family. Justice? Let Allah be the judge…

For me, raya was ok all in all, however terkilan dengan diri sendiri kerana meninggalkan byk ibadat sunat kerana beraya! Solat sunat rawatib tak buat, alasan panas!!! Looking back, rasanya that’s why perjalanan raya tak smooth, family crisis, husband tak jadi balik, Allah tarikh kemudahan yang dianugerahkan dalam Ramadhan….

However Alhamdulillah, balik KL ni tengok hubby masih meneruskan solat sunat rawatibnya dan semuga berkekalan…

Ya Allah Ya Rahman Ya Rahim, Permudahkan urusan ibadatku, rumahtanggaku dan rawatanku..Amin…

This year, I wellcome Ramadhan anxiously as my menses has just started one week before Ramadhan. Alhamdulillah, so far and today is the 26th Ramadhan, I am pain free. I have fasted with ease and thanks to Allah for the nikmat. My second menses came without me even noticing it, no significant pain and lasted 4 days (5-9 Sept). And up till now, I am pain free. Alhamdulillah, syukur…Previously I would have be in great pain 1 day before menses, during menses and 1 week after menses(during fertile period)…

Ramadhan this year show significant ease of day to day fasting and ‘marriage chores’ for me. Allah has answered my prayer. My constant prayer is for Allah to ease my ‘marriage chores’ and shower me with abundance patience to deal with my pain and my responsibility of being a wife…I feel at ease with my life at the moment and hope it will lasts for as long as I live. InsyaAllah

My regret is, up till today we did not manage to go for Iktiqaf , Qiam and Subuh prayer at any Masjid and time is runing out. However I do notice that hubby has religiously performed the sunat rawatib prayers. Alhamdulillah and hopefully it will constantly be perform even after Ramadhan. As for me, even though I cannot manage to finish reading the Quran, I do participate in tadarrus with colleagues which I did not do so during last year’s Ramadhan. Although very tiny improvement, to me it is still an improvement. Alhamdulillah syukur..

Wishing all Muslims, Eid Mubarrak……